Signs of America

Now obviously some Americans are a bit dim, just as some Brits are a bit dim. How else could you hope to explain Peter Andre? But after a week in the states, I fear some septics may just be on another level of fuckwitdom altogether.

Exhibit 1: Sign seen on a door in San Diego. Warning – this door opens inwards.
Well given that most doors open inwards or outwards, it’s kind of a 50:50 chance really. Most nations simply place a pull or push sign for the “in a hurry” door opener, who is worried about the time lost pushing when he should have been pulling the door. Of course it could open both ways, in which case it doesn’t really matter as push or pull, it’s going to open. The alternative would be that the door doesn’t open at all, but then it would be a wall and any hint of door instructions would be inappropriate, if a little amusing.


Exhibit 2: A radio advert heard by your truly that started with “If your child catches fire, you should help them”.
No shit? Thank heavens for the helpful American public information advert that advises you to assist your kids if they catch fire. The alternative? Let them burn, how else will they learn? To be fair I can half hear my dad now, “BlueLagos, that will teach you to set yourself on fire” and it is a sure way to make sure your child understands the consequences of setting themselves on fire. They are pretty unlikely to do it again, especially if the fire is so intense that it kills them. More savoury would be minor facial burns that would give them a daily reminder every time they look in the mirror. Severe hand burns might mean they are unable to play with matches / light fires or whatever it was that caused them to set themselves alight. Either way, thanks to the radio, such callous parenting is no longer an option for the average American, radio listening parent.

Exhibit 3: Step 6 on the how to fill your car with petrol guide, “Please remove nozzle before you drive away”.
This might seem clear to anyone with at least two brain cells, but seemingly some Americans have a dominant brain cell that scared all the others away. There is actually a youtube clip of a female driver who forgot to remove said nozzle and then drove away still attached to the pump. Sadly for the garage owner, the car then pulled down the actual pump. Fair to say some people should simply not be allowed outside, never mind given the keys to a vehicle and allowed to drive round the block.

So at first appearances, it seems that some Americans are prone to walking into doors, abandoning their on fire children and driving away from petrol stations with the pump still attached to their car, but it would be unfair to label a whole nation as morons. I have met plenty of Americans capable of opening doors without instructions and exiting petrol stations safely. I haven’t yet had the opportunity to test the “do not leave you child on fire” advice, but I am hopeful there too.

Enough, I am in danger of over generalising, which is a trait I know I suffer from. I actually like the average American, who is helpful and polite in a way your average Londoner is not. They always have time for you and your stupid questions (Foreigner walks into a diner and tries to order breakfast…How you like your eggs? Cooked? How you take your coffee? In a mug?) and don’t take offence despite my best efforts to be superior. It doesn’t take much effort on my part of course, but they don’t suffer snobbishness like we do in the UK.

I am also starting to empathise a little for the oversized Americans as eating well in America is proving far from easy. Temptation is everywhere in form of fast food outlets, but upon spotting a “fresh food” sign, I pulled into a Petrol station and the chance for some healthyish grub. It turns out the American “fresh food” counter in a petrol station consists of fresh hot dogs and corn dogs. You got any sandwiches I enquired, which they did, a cold slab of sausage in a burger bun with a poached egg. Wouldn’t have minded if it were hot, but cold? Wtf?

I should also mention the rather amusing and very clever sign on the "Out of the closet" shop in Long beach, that signposted "Parking in the rear". That just had to be intentional and in one swoop, proving Americans can take the mick too.

So West coast American so far, stunning scenery, polite and law abiding drivers, stupid signs and radio adverts, nice and helpful people, seriously unhealthy food. Oh yeah, and I got a new haircut. Finally went for the Mohican. I asked for a Mohawk but the barber didn’t know the difference! And here’s the best thing about Americans, they see it and they smile. Can you imagine the tuts and shaken heads in London if you walked around with a Mohican? I can, because I have. The Brits are so quick to make negative judgements, especially based on someone’s appearance. Mohican, must be a grungy protester type. Probably has a tent at St Pauls and went to support the Gypsies at Dale farm. No doubt unemployed and looking at him, unemployable too.

Yeah, yeah. Americans don’t do this. Not it the same way as we Brits do, and that is refreshingly nice. Yep, this is one Mohican who has a job, just happens to have a few weeks off before it starts so is enjoying a nice little trip in North and South America before it starts.